I’m no longer who I used to be and as much as I’d like to think that I am, I am not. I’ve changed, I’m different. And in a weird kind of way, I like it. One, because I have a better view of who I am and what I want to be. Two, because now I know what I want to achieve and how I want to live my life. And three, because… I am happy and coping. I feel like I’m at that stage where I can actually function on my own without having to depend on others as a support system. It’s just that for the past couple years, solitude’s been my comfort and it’s really made an impact on my life personally. I sound like a proper loner, don’t I? Ha! It’s just that, at one point, I had so much going on and then suddenly bam! Next thing I know, everything was just getting crazier and crazier by the minute and I knew I had to take myself out of the equation. Solitude enabled me to do just that - see things from a different pespective, evaluate what was going on and make the right decisions.

For me, honestly, in a way… being alone is so much easier than being around people. I mean, won’t you agree? Think about it. Solitude allows me to be whoever I want to be without any fear of prejudice, misconsumption, hate, pressure, expectations, etc. And I value that feeling, you know? It sounds kind of sad but honestly, it really isn’t. I feel like, in this busy chaotic and dramatic world, the only peace you’ll ever find is within yourself and it’s important to remind yourself of such feeling or else life itself is going to outrun you and you’ll find yourself feeling empty. Like, what am I doing? Why do I keep pretending?

Or maybe that’s just me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not the most unsociable person on the planet. I have friends, I go out, I travel and stuff but yea, I just like being on my own at times. It stops me from wanting to be someone else, from trying to find something that isn’t there, from losing myself.

But then I wake up, reality hits and life comes crashing down on me again. Haha! It’s such a cycle, isn’t it? It’s definitely something I’d never get used to. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. You’re happy then a minute after, you’re sad. Up down, up down, up down. Crazyyy!

Such a fascinating thing huh? Living.

Just because something is unconventional, doesn’t mean it’s ugly. Just because something is unconventional, doesn’t mean it’s unacceptable. Being unconventional makes people notice. Being unconventional separates you from the norm. Being unconventional proves people that you don’t have to be like everyone else to be happy. Being unconventional gets you to places. Being unconventional is beautiful. Be yourself and stop going for what everyone else does. Do you.

It’s really sad how some people take education for granted and don’t see it for what it’s really worth. It’s annoying how twisted the world is. You know how people who are so hardworking and actually achieve good grades never get given what they deserve yet pisstakers always get to slide by so easily? I don’t know, probably not but you get the point. It’s really just upsetting how some kids would literally do anything to go to school, even walk miles with plastic bags to put their stuff in, hoping to learn a little so they could achieve something with their lives. =| But yea, I suppose it’s just the way life is. You just gotta do what you gotta do and find a way around it, right?

Dad was filling up a census form the other week and he asked my mom, my sister and I what religion to put in next to our names. We all said, no religion. See, I’ve nothing against faith, being a Catholic, a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Taoist, etc. I was baptised as a Catholic myself and pretty much grew up learning and understanding the bible’s teachings. Even had my fist communion when I was eight. And no, I haven’t lost my faith because there was nothing to lose to begin with anyway. I wasn’t really religious, it was just something that was thrown at me and I had to catch it, you know what I’m saying? I mean, you really do not have a choice when you’re four years old and your parents suddenly just start taking you to church and sends you to a Catholic school. You basically adapt and follow as you’re told. But then again, as you grow older, you get to see the world, witness things, acquire knowledge and your perspectives change. Here’s what I believe in, I believe that out there is something/one so so so powerful that no human mind is ever going to be able to comprehend. Thus whatever explanation there is to the world, the universe and life is a mystery because it has to remain that way. I believe that it is not so much about whether you read the bible, go to church, pray or whatever but what you do as a person to help out and do good things both to the world and other people that actually matters. I believe in not worrying about what there is after you die but focusing on the life you have now. I believe in good karma, living your life to the fullest, spreading love, appreciating and kindness. All I’m saying is that, you don’t have to be religious to be a good person. See, I don’t want to be defined by how many times I pray each day or if I go to confession. I want people to remember me because I did something remarkable, because I made someone smile, because I inspired a young girl, because I helped out. Simple really.

I used to think that we all ought to grab every single opportunity that knocks on our front door. But lately, I’ve been thinking, you couldn’t really do that. For one, you’re most likely to create chaos, timewise, people wise, relationship wise and everything else wise and guess who needs to clean that mess up? Yourself. Besides, why go for something you’re totally not up for? Why do something you don’t want to just because it’s an “opportunity”? Let someone else have it, let the people deserving of that opportunity have the chance to do it. I’m pretty sure the right one for you will come knocking about sometime.

Society’s view on how girls should look like is straight up bullshit! I’m 5’2 and I weigh about 58kg, you can do the math. Point is, I know I’m no skinny girl but hell, I’m not FAT either. I mean, I admit, I gained over over 20lbs since I came over to England. But fuck, I’d rather look like this, eat what I want whenever and wherever I want than be so conscious about how I look and be so afraid of what people will think of me. Fuck that! Why is it that people feel the need to pull others down? Why? Do you actually know what your doing? Do you? ‘Cause frankly, I don’t think you have any idea. I was once bolemic, and for you to tell me that I have gained so much weight? Wow! How about, FUCK YOU! Huh?

The constant, “Oh you look bigger than I last saw you.” or “Hey, have you put weight on?” or “Uhm, You look fat.” I can’t honestly believe that some people see that as a joke or even an innocent comment. Seriously? When did it ever become justifiable to tell a 15-yr old girl weighing 50kg that she’s fat? Huh? In what context is that ever fair? You tell me ‘cause that right there is what pushed me to kneel over the toilet, put my finger’s down my throat just so I could throw up everything I stuffed myself with. That right there is what pushed me to stop eating and just drink water all they long.

Now, for someone to come up to me with a such nasty comment after what I’ve through, really? Really? If you have nothing nice to say to me, just please, shut the fuck up! And that goes for everyone who has nothing but nasty comments to say to people, keep it to your motherfucking selves. Ok? Just think again before you hit someone with words ‘cause you really have no idea what something so little as a phrase could do to them.

If you’re all about a better world and all that shit, how about you start with yourself and start accepting the fact that not everyone is going to look the way you want them to. For one thing, most girls are already pretty much aware of their entire being, their bodies for that matter. They’re not perfect. We are not perfect. I am not perfect. And the last thing we need is a person emphasizing our flaws. I’ve already accepted the way I look and I’m so over that bolemia shit. Fact is, I’m happy and let me stay this way. Mind your own damn business and for the sake of human existence, just quit hatin’! Please! Ugh.

Why? Just why do I find myself talking to guys who are so lame when it comes to love? This random person actually thinks he’s inlove and when in fact, he isn’t even allowed to drink or vote yet. Why does he feel the need to tell people about his mishaps on women when he’s barely kissed a girl? Then he tells me, he’s with a girl whom he is simply using to pass time with until the girl of his dreams becomes available. What the utter fuck? I know right, what a douche! No wonder, a hell of a lot of girls end up playing the same game that only men used to play. Tss. -_-

Some guys especially teenagers have completely no idea what love or how falling inlove is like. Just ‘cause you admire someone, doesn’t mean you’re “inlove”. For all I know, you’re more inlove with the idea of a perfect relationship than the actual person. Get a life! I mean, if you’re lucky enough to be with a person whom you like/love then lucky you. Treasure what you have and stay happy! But if not, can you seriously just please focus your energy and time on something worthwhile? I don’t know, maybe studying is a good idea? Or at least stop saying hello to people online and suddenly opening up to them like they’re your bestfriends. Geeeez! I try to keep my cool and have common courtesy at all times but DAMN! I really can’t help my annoyance when people don’t understand a word I’m saying and they always think they’re right when they’re so not.

I wish kids would realize that love isn’t an accesory, that it isn’t a trend.

I used to be the girl who was so insecure. I used to be the girl who was so shy and wasn’t comfortable in her own skin. I used to always wish that I was different, that I was prettier, that I would be one of those perfect girls on tv. When I was 15, I had a really bad acne problem, it hit me really hard. I hated myself for it. I also just arrived in England at that time and I felt like a total outcast. Everyone had perfect skin, long legs, nice hair, beautiful eyes, etc. But then, there were these girls that I really looked up to. They were my inspiration. They were the reason I pushed myself into overcoming my imperfections. A year after, my skin started to heal up and my self confidence started to kick in. My passion for art and photography also helped me understand that it is not so much about beauty but what it stands for that matters. I’ve learned to love myself since and appreciate everything that I have and don’t have. I hope other girls will too.

Physical Appearances

How important are they really? How significant are they to our daily lives? What are physical appearances? Why are they the on-going topic wherever we go? Why?

I would look in the mirror everyday and say to myself, “I am beautiful but…”

See, like every teenager, I have insecurities. I wish I’d lose a few pounds. I wish I had a longer neck. I wish I had bone structure instead of chubby cheeks. I wish I had longer legs. But I’d shake my head because I know that wishing all these things is like wishing I was a completely different person and I don’t want that. I want to be Moira. Plain and simple, just me, Moira. I may not be the prettiest girl, or the thinnest, or the sexiest or whatever-the-fuck society wants me to be. But hey, I wouldn’t trade all that I am now for a different me. Not ever, not even in a different lifetime. I would always want to be me, this. I weigh 128 lbs and stands at 5’3”. I spend money on clothes, make-up and  accesories. I can be materialistic, yes. I put make-up on to boost my confidence. I buy nice clothes to feel good about myself. I wear nice shoes so people would notice. But I could always walk out the door stripped from all of these and still be happy. Each morning, I’d look in the mirror and criticize myself but at the end of the day I would tell myself how proud and happy I am of how I look like. No, I do not look like most of the girls around me. I’m different and I get constantly reminded of it but I love that about myself. I’m unique. I have a different look and I will never be ashamed of that.

Appearances can be very deceiving, yes. We all know that. We’d always pick up a magazine with a tall and thin covergirl instead of a plus-sized model. I know, I would. I don’t deny that. We would sit around and judge strangers based on their clothes, bags, hair, accesories, etc. Our eyes wouldn’t stop staring when someone comes up with a very unusual look, say a guy with a pink mohawk wearing a tutu with piercings all over his face or an old woman wearing a see-through fishnet top. Let’s not lie, shall we? We all have, in the past probably. I mean, I still do at some point. But think about it, we are who we are. We would judge people to feel good about ourselves. But don’t you think it’s better to keep our mouths shut once and for all and just keep our nasty opinions to ourselves. Imagine how the world would be like then? We would always have an opinion, we would always think less of other people, it’s us. But would it hurt to just shut up and just leave these people alone and have them live their lives? Besides, it’s none of our business what they wear, how they comb their hair or what brand of clothing they choose. Just really, stop. Stop bashing people because they want to post topless shots of themselves or because they prefer to wear skirts instead of pants or because their style is similar to your great grandmother. It’s their life and they’re happy. Let them be. Let me be. Let’s all be happy.

Last night, I did portrait drawings of someone special and my sister. What’s really fascinating and annoying is that, I kept whining about the outcomes. I just couldn’t get the right look. Something somewhere was always wrong, may it be the jaw, the eyes, the hair, the nose or the lips. I kept rubbing out areas, trying to correct them, trying to make them look perfect. It was very frustrating, not to mention annoying.

Then, I started to vent my annoyance on facebook. People started talking to me, telling me things that were supposed to make me feel better and more confident about my work. But, they just wouldn’t help. I understood what these people were saying. Most of them made sense. Actually, most of them were words of wisdom, really great words. But my mind just wouldn’t accept it. Partly because, I already knew half of these advices. I’ve heard them all before, a few months back, in class, at college. But why, why is my mind brushing all of these? Is it because I know for a fact that I am guilty of something? Is it because I’ve wasted 2 months doing nothing, forgetting 10 months of basic life drawing?

Yes. I’ve forgotten. I should have never abandoned my pencils. I should have continued on drawing people, faces, bodies and naked women even though no one was asking me to. I should have but I didn’t. This is why my mind could not accept the quality of my recent work. I should be beyond that, it could have been better. No, it should have been better. I’ve lost it. Now, I must start all over again. Regain the knowledge I’ve already acquired. Revisit the techniques I have already mastered. Refresh my memory of what art is all about.

Now I know. I should never stop practicing just because I already know the process. I must not. I will not. Never again.

The other day, during dinner, my family and I had a random conversation and one of the things that was brought up was how I would rate myself as a photographer, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest. My sister butted in, saying, it’s a nine. But what made the conversation matter was that I rated myself a two for reasons I, myself, am not so sure of.

I don’t know why I rated myself so low. Maybe because deep inside me I know I could be way way much better than I am now but at the same time it could just be my insecurities. The fact that I look up to a lot of people in the art and design industry helps me push myself become a better artist and it also makes me want to be just as successful as they are. But at the same time, it also makes it so competitive. I want to be just like them so badly that I’m being too hard on myself which I shouldn’t be. Maybe it’s time to rethink why I chose this path and start enjoying things a little bit more. I need to stop thinking of what may or may not happen the next day but take each day as it is and be productive and have as much fun as I can. After all, I’m only 17, and there’s plenty of years for me to achieve the sucess I’m aiming for. And even if I don’t, I know it won’t stop me from taking photographs and producing art. And the same goes for everyone, nothing should stop you from doing what you love to do.

You may not be a well-known actor but if you love to act then act, if you love to sing then sing, if you love to write then write. Be whoever you want to be. Don’t let competition limit you from who you may become. You never know, you may even exceed what your idols have accomplished. So let’s all be out there and show the world what we have to offer and maybe, just maybe, we’ll be appreciated and loved for it. You’ll never know unless you try, right?

Changed or Improved ?

I’ve received a few messages and comments recently from my old friends telling me that I’ve changed or that I’m different. And I’m like, “Uhh, No I haven’t.” or “Uhh, No I’m not.” I mean, I honestly don’t think I’ve changed at all. I see it as growing up and improving. To me, change is losing whoever you were or whatever something was. And who I was two years ago is still me, only a better, more mature and more intelligent one. You know? Telling me I’ve changed is like saying a chocolate cake isn’t chocolate anymore because it’s covered with yellow icing and lemons, if you get what mean.

My point is, I’m always going to be that same tree no matter what. And through time, I would gain more branches and more leaves. I’d grow and I’d be older. But it’s still me, you know? So yea, go figure.