I’m no longer who I used to be and as much as I’d like to think that I am, I am not. I’ve changed, I’m different. And in a weird kind of way, I like it. One, because I have a better view of who I am and what I want to be. Two, because now I know what I want to achieve and how I want to live my life. And three, because… I am happy and coping. I feel like I’m at that stage where I can actually function on my own without having to depend on others as a support system. It’s just that for the past couple years, solitude’s been my comfort and it’s really made an impact on my life personally. I sound like a proper loner, don’t I? Ha! It’s just that, at one point, I had so much going on and then suddenly bam! Next thing I know, everything was just getting crazier and crazier by the minute and I knew I had to take myself out of the equation. Solitude enabled me to do just that - see things from a different pespective, evaluate what was going on and make the right decisions.
For me, honestly, in a way… being alone is so much easier than being around people. I mean, won’t you agree? Think about it. Solitude allows me to be whoever I want to be without any fear of prejudice, misconsumption, hate, pressure, expectations, etc. And I value that feeling, you know? It sounds kind of sad but honestly, it really isn’t. I feel like, in this busy chaotic and dramatic world, the only peace you’ll ever find is within yourself and it’s important to remind yourself of such feeling or else life itself is going to outrun you and you’ll find yourself feeling empty. Like, what am I doing? Why do I keep pretending?
Or maybe that’s just me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not the most unsociable person on the planet. I have friends, I go out, I travel and stuff but yea, I just like being on my own at times. It stops me from wanting to be someone else, from trying to find something that isn’t there, from losing myself.
But then I wake up, reality hits and life comes crashing down on me again. Haha! It’s such a cycle, isn’t it? It’s definitely something I’d never get used to. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. You’re happy then a minute after, you’re sad. Up down, up down, up down. Crazyyy!
Such a fascinating thing huh? Living.